I lost my tears….somewhere along the way; my tears disappeared. I have had dry, tearless eyes for the last several years. I know it sounds crazy, how does one lose their tears? Is it possible to cry so many tears, that your body becomes unable to cry? Or after crying so many tears, does your body create a defense mechanism that protects you from things that will take you into a sad, dark place you aren’t mentally or spiritually ready to go? I believe, YES.
I can tell you that not having tears does not make me feel less or more in my heart… it just puts you in a very uncomfortable place when you are in a moment where tears are appropriate and they do not come. As a matter of fact, I feel my heart is bursting most days…. Goodness and sadness between my work, HOPE, family and friendship… my heart feels every swing of the emotional pendulum that is life, yet my emotions are bottled inside without a chance of being released through tears…
For those who know me, and know me well, you know my heart is on my sleeve. Since I was young, I have been an external optimist with a bubbly demeanor and free flowing tears during happy, sad or touching moments. Then in 2009, after Will’s diagnosis of Batten disease, and nearly two years of crying almost everyday, I could feel an emotional shift. The shift became increasing off-balance, skewed off the charts to non-emotional when my mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2015, the same week of my father-in-law’s passing. As I watched my mom fight cancer and lose, I also watched my Dad (the strongest person I knew) crumble before my eyes. He shared he would not be here long without her and 17 days later, he too left our world. Two of the most precious people in my world were gone in a blink of an eye. I found my tears that week; it was as if the last several years of tears had been bottled up and released, then as quick as they came…they left.
I became tearless once again. The months following my parents passing was very much like the years following Will’s diagnosis. Desperately trying to keep normalcy for my family and choosing to take the path of optimism; I dove into family, work and HOPE. In my world, Will will be saved and my parents were “away” in Heaven, like Heaven is a vacation spot, and they are together waiting on our arrival years down the road when the Lord is ready to take me to them. I know… not typical, also not final or definite, both of which I was unable to accept.
As the years passed, there has been an invisible armor around me that has continued to strengthen, actually harden. There is little bend or flexibility to the defense mechanism my mind as most assuredly put around my heart to protect it from the unexpected that lies ahead. It is like my heart and mind are completely in sync, protecting each other from the possibility (or impossibles), fears and pain that are in my life or may come our way. I knew it was there, could see its progression for the worst and chose to surrender to its power. I chose to spend the better part of the last nearly 3 years since the passing of my parents focused on family, work and saving Will. Slowing down has not been an option, the distraction of being “busy” is my coping mechanism. Running through life on empty has become my way of life. Waking at 4:15 and going to bed after midnight for the last several years, with nearly every minute of the 20 hours in between scheduled or planned, was perfect for someone who had no desire to face the reality of a terminally ill child, dead parents, going back to work full-time, Wayne’s job loss and starting his own endeavor, multiple unsuccessful tries to purchase a new home, the imperfections of life, of me and the questions I cannot answer regarding our future.
By July of this year, I felt empty inside. I actually remember Wayne asking me where was the happy girl he married and I politely told him “I’m sorry, did you not hear? She is no longer with us. Your stuck with a 41 year old version of her, and she is tired, really tired.” An awful thing to say, I know, but it was my truth. I was losing my ability to connect, and I was smart and self-aware enough to know it. I knew the feelings I had were not correct, were not me and the lack of tears was just a byproduct of my non-emotional state. My armor around my heart was becoming heavy and I knew I needed to find a way to break through.
We took a much needed family vacation in late July and early August to California. Precious time with my boys and Wayne always fills my cup. Still no tears, but I began feeling joy in my heart and a little of that armor began to break apart. The feeling was short-lived as with August came the busyness of back to school and the eve of fundraising season for work and HOPE; my anxiety was at an all time high of fitting everything and everyone in; being the mom, wife, CEO, HOPE Cheerleader and all the other titles I have assumed in life. I was overwhelmed and I felt it.
So I did what I normally do right before bed, when the whole house is quiet, Wayne was working and my Will was fast asleep on my shoulder in my bed, I began to pray. I prayed for peace, I prayed for HOPE, I prayed for support and a strong community to support our service demands at work. I prayed to fly through the final four months of the year with happy children, success at Interfaith, a fulfilled husband and quicker steps to a clinical trial for my Will. I asked (begged) that Will continue to be blessed with health, to do well, and not progress. I prayed for signs, that would help get me through the coming months, to make them uneventful because I would be better if I could just get to 2018. I just needed to get through the year.
On August 28, Hurricane Harvey hit our area. As I watched Harvey hit landfall on the news, I knew easy was not in my future. As a disaster relief agency for the county, we at Interfaith open as soon as it is safe and my amazing team did not disappoint. After many months of intense serving our community after the storm, our holiday programs (our busiest time at work) leading to record breaking service months; two successful Galas (one for Interfaith and one for HOPE), football and baseball seasons, a surprise trip to Orlando for the boys (to fill our cups), Thanksgiving and keeping up with life in general, I found myself sliding into the final month of the year just going through the motions…I had almost made it; but I was run-down and tired. I had abandon my workouts and any “me” time back in August. So it was no surprise, that as I approached Christmas week I got the Flu. It had been 4 years and 11 months since I was sick… I mean really sick, like on the couch, high fever, no energy… SICK. It had been so long since the boys saw me sick, Will was crying (thinking I was dying) and Steele was praying out loud over me. Truth: The flu got me big time. Several days of fever and dehydration landed me a night in the hospital. I tell you this because this became one of my most defining moments of 2017.
At 3am on Monday morning, the week before Christmas, I was lying in the hospital bed. Wayne left to head home and I found myself alone, weak, in complete silence and darkness. My fever had broken, and a mix of an allergic reaction to morphine had me in straight up chills. I remember looking to the bottom of the bed where my feet would be (if they were over the covers) and I saw my mom’s toes. Significant? Yes… because when my mom came home from her final hospital trip, on hospice, she was in a hospital bed in a room of their house and she laid with her feet sticking out of the bottom of her sheets. She had the most beautiful pedicured feet. She so would have given anything to walk on those perfectly pedicured toes, but her body was not strong enough. I can remember my Dad, blind from diabetes sitting next to her as she got sicker and sicker and he got sadder and sadder.
As I laid there, I thought about Will. I thought about the children, just like my Will who were bedridden from Batten disease. That is his reality. I laid there perfectly still, thinking that this moment for me was very temporary. But how many people live this as their everyday or watch a loved one suffer. I thought of my boys, and my husband and how sad I would be if this was my reality. If I couldn’t be part of their everyday and how different their lives would be. As I laid there in darkness, a lone tear fell from eye.
The next evening, at home, as I lay next to Will, his head on my shoulder like he does every night, although I had a mask on that evening as not to get him sick and I thought back to that prayer in August. And how God provided answers to all I had requested, in a divine way of course. I thought back to the amazing strides Will has made since August adjusting to Jr High and doing more than we could have ever imagined. He is well, and even better his soul is well. My younger boys are thriving, Wayne’s business is doing well, we had put an offer in on a new home, work was strong and HOPE was awe-inspiring. But I hadn’t noticed any of it, because I hadn’t stopped long enough to receive it, enjoy it or celebrate any of it. In my heart of hearts, I didn’t think I deserved to enjoy it. Will was not cured, there was still people to be served and work to be done.
In a flash I remembered my mom’s manicured toes and my dad’s lifeless, sightless eyes as he sat with a broken heart after the passing of my mom. Pictures of my boys flashed through my head like a projector and memories overwhelmed my mind and heart. I could feel my green eyes begin to burn as all of those memories, some of the most devastating and many of the most happiest memories flooded my heart. With every tear that fell, another scene from work, HOPE, the community, my family and my friends filled my soul. I could hear God speaking to me through every vision, using each tear as it left my face, to remove a piece of that armor from my heart.
In the weeks since, I am delighted to share, I have tears again. My heart is open, happy and ready to receive the hope and the heartache that most assuredly lies ahead in 2018, because as we all know life is full of both. I can tell you that in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that if we stay on the journey God has set for us, listen to the guidance and heed the signs along the way, amazing things will be in store for all of us. Don’t forget to be still long enough to enjoy the journey friends, if not you might just miss the best part. I wish you blessings of faith, love, health, happiness and most of all, HOPE, in the new year and don’t forget to always believe something truly amazing is about to happen.
Missy
Awesome and TrUly inspErational
Love. and i love you.
Missy: That was so insanely AWESOME! You are such a great person, my friend.
Beautifully written! Thank you Sor sharing! I can identify with some portions of your blog in dealing with my sons disability, being the mom of 4 sons and co- owner of a famiky business. There is no time for me to slow down or have “me” time. I have my pity party moments but, praise God, i have never lost my faIth! Keep enspiring others Missy and always know Our Father catches every one of our tears.
Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiratiOn Of strength and PERSEVERANCE to myself and many othets. ❤️
beautifully said. Your story is TrUly inspirational. ❤️
Im At a loss For words. MisSy you are so incredibly blessed through Jesus to be able to compose one of the best life stories i’vE ever read. I love you & your family so much.
Touching. Slowing down to receive the joy.. never thought of it that way. Thanks for sharing. We all have struggles and I always find myself thinking there’s others with a bigger struggle putting aside my own. Thanks for sharing. Love you and your family.
This was amazing Missy and brought many tears!! Thank you for your inspirational words. I pray for you and your family and your sweet will all the time! Much love sent your way, christy
Missy I am speechless by the raw beauty in your writing. This is truly inspIrational & something i peraonally needed to read as i am
Guilty of not stopping & ALLOWING myself to reflect on everything god has done & is doing in my life, so thank you for writing this. And for all the Tears You haVen’t shed; i likely made up for them wHile reading this. I love you & your entire family so very much!
You are completely amazing, mIssy! I have nothing but pure respect, honor and love for you. This was so beautifully written. God bless your family. God bless hope. Fod bless will. 💙 in my thoughts and prayers always! Love you!
HI THERE. FIRST OF ALL, I FEEL FORTUNATE FOR THE OPPORTUNITIES I’D BEEN GIVEN TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT ALL YOU DO TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR YOUR SON’S STRUGGLES… FOR YOURS. fRIENDS HAVE TOLD ME THAT ONE OF THE THINGS THEY LOVE MOST ABOUT MY WRITING IS THE ABILITY TO BE VULNERABLE… LIKE I’M FEARLESS WITH IT OR SOMETHING. MAYBE I AM. I BELIEVE THAT QUALITY IN ME MADE IT SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME TO TELL YOUR STORIES TO OTHERS. I KNEW BEFORE I’D MET YOU THAT YOUR HEART WAS ON YOUR SLEEVE, MISSY. THAT’S AN EASY THING TO KNOW ABOUT YOU. I RECOGNIZED IT IN THE ANSWERS YOU’D PROVIDED TO MY QUERIES FOR THOSE STORIES I TOLD, IN THE WAY YOU TOOK TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY, YOUR CRAZY, CRAZY BUSY DAY TO MEET WITH ME AT STARBUCKS ONE AFTERNOON BECAUSE I NEEDED CAREER ADVICE. YOU TOOK TIME FOR ME. FOR ME — A WOMAN YOU BARELY KNOW. I FEEL BLESSED BECAUSE YOUR BUBBLY PERSONALITY, YOUR ENTHUSIASM IS A WONDERFULLY CONTAGIOUS THING. THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN IT.
I WISH YOUR FAMILY DIDN’T HAVE TO KNOW CHALLENGES SO GREAT. BUT YOUR HEART AND YOUR ENTHUSIASM… GOD GAVE YOU THOSE QUALITIES BECAUSE HE KNEW YOUR SONS, HUSBAND, FAMILY AND FRIENDS WOULD NEED YOUR JOY AND DEDICATION.
Missy, you touched my heart with your story. Thank you for sharing your wounds, brokenness, imperfections, healing & hope. Your encouragement is greatly appreciated. Prayers & love to you.
That was beautiful. You are the epitome of HOPE
That was beautIful- you’re On mY mind and Your family is in our prayers. you are an inspIration.
Thank you for sharing and being such an inspIration to me and others! You are so strong and you are so passionate about everyOne and everything in your life. Keep doing you! You are amazing! Love you!
I know your words resonate for SO many! Your strength has always been motivation but your human side will move mountains for so many! Beautifully written.
beautifully written and so heartfelt and inspirational! BlessinGs to you for a peaceful 2018!
This is so touching and beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing. Will and your sweet family continue to be in my prayers.
Beautiful and inspirational wOrds to share with others. Your story lifts us up with hope. This is cathartic. Keep writing and HEALInG through your incredible words.
Thank you Missy. I am crying happy tears at your kind SHARING of VULNERABILITY and strength.
Thank you fOr sharing your beUTIFUL “heart” with us!
so glad you put your thoughts out there and i was able to read your beautiful story, truly beautiful and inspirational. love you friend!
Missy this is amazing. I know we have not seen each other in years, but you inspiRe me every day. Praying for will and Your family, and so thankful for you anD Your story. I’m so glad you found your tears again. Sometimes that’s all we have to offer god, and yet he hears and provides the hope that only comes from him. May 2018 be an incredible year of faith and hope for you, my friend. Love you!
Thank you so much Missy for sharing. You give myself and others inspiration. After our son Jaylrn was diagnosed wIth Juvenile Batten in 2014, We were put in contact with you. We appreciate you always being happy to talk and answer questions over the last few Years. Will and your family are always in ouR thoughts and prayers. Sending love and prayers from Jaylen’s Journey in NOrth Carolina.
Thank you –
Thank you –
Missy, Your Words are beautifully written and share an incrEdible story. Thank you for sharing your heaRt and truth, as scary as it seems. We love Your family and pray dor you always ❤️
Beautifully writTen, incredibly honest and authentic. You are amazing and inspiring Missy and the Bickley family is bLessed to know the herndon family and to call you our friends💚💙
Powerful! What a tremendous honor I have to be working for and with this beautiful Soul!
Thank tou for sharing. God Just provided this inspirational reading to me as a sign I too have been praying for! Bless you and your family. #saVewill